When a child stops sharing their thoughts, feelings, and experiences with their parents, it’s not always a dramatic or sudden change. In fact, it’s often a gradual process that’s shaped by small, repeated interactions that make honesty feel unsafe, unnecessary, or simply not worth the effort. A child who once poured their heart out to their parents may begin to feel like their feelings are being dismissed, judged, or managed, leading them to slowly withdraw into a more private world. This is not always rebellion, but rather a form of self-protection – a way for the child to protect themselves from the perceived harm of sharing their true selves.
First Section: The Habits of Dismissal
One of the most significant ways that parents can erode their child’s trust is by dismissing their feelings and experiences. When parents minimize or downplay their child’s emotions, they send a powerful message that their feelings are not important or valid. This can lead the child to feel unheard, un validated, and unloved, causing them to slowly withdraw from sharing their feelings and experiences with their parents. For example, if a child comes to their parent upset about a conflict with a friend, and the parent responds with a dismissive comment like ‘it’s just a phase’ or ‘don’t worry about it,’ the child may begin to feel like their feelings are not being taken seriously. Over time, this can lead the child to stop sharing their feelings and experiences altogether.
Another habit that can erode a child’s trust is the constant need to offer solutions or fix problems. When parents are always trying to solve their child’s problems, they can give the impression that their child is not capable of handling challenges on their own. This can lead the child to feel like they’re not being trusted to handle their own emotions and experiences, and that their parents are always going to swoop in and save the day. For example, if a child comes to their parent feeling overwhelmed by schoolwork, and the parent immediately starts offering solutions like ‘let me help you with your homework’ or ‘don’t worry, I’ll talk to your teacher for you,’ the child may begin to feel like they’re not being trusted to handle their own problems.
Second Section: The Habits of Judgment
Another way that parents can erode their child’s trust is by judging their child’s thoughts, feelings, and experiences. When parents make judgments about their child’s behavior or emotions, they can create a sense of shame and guilt that can be difficult for the child to shake. This can lead the child to feel like they’re being evaluated and criticized, rather than being supported and loved. For example, if a child comes to their parent feeling anxious about a test, and the parent responds with a judgmental comment like ‘you shouldn’t be so anxious’ or ‘you’re not trying hard enough,’ the child may begin to feel like they’re being criticized and judged.
In addition to dismissing and judging, parents can also erode their child’s trust by being overly critical or perfectionistic. When parents are overly critical or perfectionistic, they can create a sense of pressure and anxiety that can be difficult for the child to handle. This can lead the child to feel like they’re never good enough, and that their parents are always going to be disappointed in them. For example, if a child comes to their parent with a drawing they’re proud of, and the parent responds with a critical comment like ‘this could be better’ or ‘you should try harder,’ the child may begin to feel like they’re not good enough.
Third Section: The Habits of Constant Management
Finally, parents can also erode their child’s trust by being overly controlling or managing. When parents are always trying to control their child’s behavior, emotions, and experiences, they can create a sense of resentment and frustration that can be difficult for the child to handle. This can lead the child to feel like they’re not being trusted to make their own decisions, and that their parents are always going to be telling them what to do. For example, if a child comes to their parent wanting to go to a friend’s house, and the parent responds with a controlling comment like ‘no, you can’t go’ or ‘you have to do your chores first,’ the child may begin to feel like they’re not being trusted to make their own decisions.
By recognizing and changing these habits, parents can help their child feel more safe, trusted, and loved. This can involve actively listening to their child, validating their feelings, and giving them the space to make their own decisions. By doing so, parents can help their child develop a sense of confidence and self-worth that will serve them well throughout their lives.
Ultimately, the key to rebuilding trust with our children is to create a safe and supportive environment where they feel heard, validated, and loved. By being aware of our own habits and biases, and making a conscious effort to change them, we can help our children feel more connected and supported. This is not always easy, but it’s worth it – for the sake of our children’s well-being, and for the sake of our own relationships with them.
